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Just a Nobody

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Sunday, February 9th, 2014
4:06 am
Had a strange dream again the other night. She and Donovan were there, and I felt the sense of being unwelcome and unwanted, as expected. She left with some other friends and I was alone with Donovan and trying to think of a polite or non-offensive way to either excuse myself or make small-talk that wouldn't be uncomfortable; when suddenly he hugged me. I got the feeling it was just a mask, just going through the motions of how one is suppose to act, to cover up the truth. But I couldn't help but lean into him and rest my head on his shoulder- feeling incredibly guilty for doing so, and quietly asking he forgive me for it. He didn't let go, and hesitantly I began to raise my arms to return the gesture rather than just lay against him. But as my weight rested on him and I moved, he began to step back, or stumble back, taking me with him. I felt like I was pushing him back without meaning to, but he was smiling like he didn't mind. We were standing under a roof of some sort, but outside, and it was raining lightly. I suddenly went ahead and hugged him, pulling him towards me rather than the other way around and finding my voice in time to say I wasn't intending to push him into the rain and blurting out some frantic apology. I was trying to stop him from taking another step back. He just looked amused and spun around, so that he was the one pushing me back now, and there was no confusion about me being an aggressor. "What's so bad about the rain?" He asked as we both stepped into it, he now moving his arms to take me into a dance position. And then he began slowly spinning and waltzing (or some other sort of dance) with me in the rain, letting it fall on us without fear, and he was smiling and there seemed to be no menace just a dreamy amusement. It felt wonderful and even a bit romantic and I felt struck down and at a complete loss for words. I wanted to throw myself into the dance, let myself hug him or be held without worrying about the subtle messages he might take from such rash actions. On the other hand I was utterly perplexed, asking myself if I had any sort of romantic feelings for him? And moreover, reminding myself it was impossible for him to have any for me, as he's gay. So what was all of this?

I never had time to figure it out, the dream ended. I only had time to wonder if it was safe to enjoy the dance and step back into his life without fear of rejection, and to marvel at how lovely it was to dance in the rain. How charming he could be when he let himself forget the world.

(Make a Wish)

Wednesday, July 31st, 2013
6:59 am - Falling further and further behind on manga work- never catching up.
Tomorrow is going to be the longest work day I've had in awhile. I wouldn't mind so much if I wasn't already a week behind on my manga schedule. I havn't even finished ONE PAGE ONE PANEL yet this week. マジでヤバイ!Last night through this afternoon I was feeling off thanks to something bad I ate- so I just relaxed in bed until work. Didn't get any manga work done. Tomorrow, I will be at work from noon until about 10:00pm. I will have 3 breaks (two 30 min and one hour), so I'll bring work with me but one of those breaks will be spent on prep for a tiny tots class and the hour break will probably be a chance to eat an early dinner~ unless I just decide to wait until after work to eat. I may do that..it wouldn't be much different from when I have school and work on the same day.

Then Friday I have to spend the morning through afternoon at a kindergarten. So...even if I do work I will probably only get a page finished this week. OMG I don't want to e-mail my teacher. I really don't. This is too much (=^=) Why do we have to send in a weekly update? UNGGGG forever a loser at doing manga OTL I am so ready for my break from work. I will go to Niigata festival, and the Lindsey Stirling concert...and then after that I think it's time to just retreat to cafes and DRAW.

current mood: guilty

(Make a Wish)

Monday, July 15th, 2013
5:54 pm - Hate Me


It's been awhile since I've dreamed, let alone of you. I know I can't see you anymore, so I thought dreams would be a welcome blessing to ease that knowledge.

You offered me that sweet smile and soft voice, but it was through those distant eyes that let me know the words were sugar coated lies to hide your true emotions. Others were there too, one that shared my pain and gave me quiet looks of sympathy as we were both at a loss for words in your presence. Another was mentioned, sleeping, but able to make an appearance upon waking. They were the one you'd turned against me, and I knew if they found me there it would be an emotional mess.

Nothing much happened, but you turned on the music that made me remember us, the emotions, and the self-hatred. This song was playing as three of us sat alone together, and you just looked so calm and relaxed as if it were mere coincidence and the words meant nothing. I left and wandered outside, singing the words aloud to myself and fighting the tears. Even in my dreams, you are able to smile and act gentle towards me, while finding ways to make my heart sting and my head scream it's all my fault things fell apart, and chase me away. How do you do it? It almost seems a practiced art by now, and you are nothing less than a master.

current mood: melancholy

(Make a Wish)

Tuesday, July 31st, 2012
6:41 pm - Things To Do
Wow I never use this anymore. Sorry? FaceBook has taken over...

Anyway I'm coming home to visit on the 8th, so going to make a list of things to do while visiting!

-Hold Christian <3
-Buy Sunscreen, deodorant, and flea meds for Noah
-See Avengers
-Possibly take a day trip to Chico, and another trip to southern Cali with Katie to visit Alidia
-Renew passport

(1 Dreamer | Make a Wish)

Friday, April 27th, 2012
7:41 am - Malinpia!
So yesterday was quite the eventful day. Had a school field trip to an aquarium and a science museum, yay! Came back home in time for dinner, studied a bit, and climbed into bed... only to get a phone call from Mou asking if I wanted to hang out with him and Souyou. 0.0;; I told them I was already in my jammies so maybe not, but they talked me into it. So I spent the rest of my evening chatting and drinking a bit and going out on a walk. The weather is warm enough that I can go on walks even after sundown with out having to bundle up so much. Nice!

I intended to take lots of pictures during the field trip, but I'd forgotten to charge my camera and it died halfway through the time at the aquarium. Opps! I did take lots of photos of underwater friends before my camera died though. Here's a few! I'll upload more later.


Underwater underwater underwater friends!Collapse )


current mood: relaxed

(3 Dreamers | Make a Wish)

Saturday, April 14th, 2012
9:13 pm - Sunny Days at last!!!
So Easter was just me and Noah, but I still dyed eggs myself and made a big dinner, which lasted me through half of the week (^w^). I couldn't get a hold of Mou for his birthday, so I just left some cupcakes and his presents in a box in front of his door.

Orientation week went well. Lots of group discussions, and working on the renewal of last year's cover page for our summer manga. I barely finished it in time, but I got it done!

The weather has finally been improving this week! It's been in the 50s, so I don't have to layer so much and have even opened my window to let fresh air in when the sun is out. So nice! I biked to work yesterday instead of taking the train or a bus. Good to get some exercise. On the way home I noticed for the first time a sign for a church very close to my apartment!

Soooo, this morning I went to church (^w^)v. It's really just a room in a business building, and there were only 5 other people plus the pastor there, but it was nice. Everyone was very friendly, and after the service we had tea and talked together. I'll try and go again next week.

This week I start classes. Exciting!

current mood: happy

(5 Dreamers | Make a Wish)

Wednesday, July 30th, 2003
4:27 pm - My Journal


This journal is for my friends, family, and myself. If you want to be added please leave me a comment below.

このブログは友達・家族・自分のために作りました。読みたい方は下でコメントを書いて下さい。

(2 Dreamers | Make a Wish)


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